My Entry to ACE Hotel’s Win a New Orleans Wedding (that I can’t win)

Can you be two people? Do the personalities inside of me count? Was I always transgender and why didn’t they change with me? I’m not sure. Some questions have answers; others have contests to win! I’m not even sure I could marry myself. But in Louisiana a 16 year old may be married (and under 16 only needs the permission of guardians and the court!!!! WOWZERS!! Sign me up past self!!!)

But who would love a transgender person? I transitioned late, frankly, I’m blooming late as well and have developed my personality more in the past 2 years since my transition than I did in the 29 years prior. I know who I want to be now, but to everyone else it’s “I don’t know how to date a transwoman.” or “But I’m bisexual” or the heartbreaking “You can’t be a lesbian, because you aren’t a woman.” Love is love right Queer Community? I’m a better person now, but to the outside world I’m a confusing person to them.

Did I mention I have other personalities? I talk and listen to them before I go to sleep. I still need that closeness. The need doesn’t disappear even if I look like I’m ready to take on a crowd of bigots with a shoehorn and a cute dress. When I’m sad I can feel listened to, when I’m fearful I can find courage, when I’m confused, clarity, and when I’m elated I’m lifted up by the same voices that in my youth I thought caused so much damage. So much pain and recklessness.

I changed, but I was wrong about them not changing with me. I only wish the world would change as they did. That people would feel love is love as fearlessly as they say it. I recently made my first remix of a song and I chose Teardrop by Massive Attack specifically for the first verse. It’s the only verse I left in my remix of the track. (Listen here: )

Love, love is a verb

Love is a doing word

Fearless on my breath

Gentle impulsion

Shakes me, makes me lighter

Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on a fire

Fearless on my breath

Can’t love others before you love yourself has outlived it’s usefulness, it’s time to can’t love others because I love myself.

Also, ALSO, the wedding would be just shy of the maybe (fingers crossed) one year anniversary of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but actually Trump’s because it’s insulting to Voldylocks, election victory. A transwoman would be marrying her himself. My himself would be marrying her, I mean, me. This is the Victor/Victoria remake of the millennia to be protested by Westboro Baptist, Republicans, Mormon Republicans, Bill Maher, probably Jesus, Jim Baker AND his 50,000 buckets of corn as well as making a mockery of traditional marriage AND gay marriage. Can you book Robbie Williams so I can walk down the aisle while watching me walk to me to ‘Millennium?’

Maybe I’ll add rib removal to my top surgery before the wedding to transform humorously into a two backed beast? But, alas, that’s a bad idea. I’ve probably already bit off more than I chew. (but would that discount GRS? Questions, questions)


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